Welcome to No Trespassing

My father died in May 2012 and after needing a little time to process that privately I have decided to make this blog available to the public. When my sister called at work to tell me the news I was really surprised. He died in his sleep she told me. I didn't understand what she was telling me at first. I was nine months pregnant and felt like I needed to sit down. Since then, I gave birth to my first baby, a beautiful and healthy baby boy. I have often seen the resemblance to my father in his face and thought about how much I got out of both my father and mother's parenting as a child. I can't help but feel very lucky to have had two functional parents for as long as I did even though my father left us in terrible circumstances. As tempting as it may be, I can not go down the road of reminiscing about my father as if he was a wonderful man. I know to some, his partner, his friends, and perhaps my sisters he was a wonderful person. I have no problem with that but I think I knew him in a very special way - I saw many more sides to him than perhaps I should have liked to. I feel a tormented anger for how he treated us, his family and that might never go away. However, I can also acknowledge the value in those experiences as well as the importance of my earlier days growing up with him there by my side, which my sisters and brother never really got to experience in the way I did. This project is really all I have left of him. I am proud of the work I did to reach out to him in the ways I could but it pains me that I will never get to meet him one more time in person. My sister pointed out that I may very likely have been the last one of my family members to see my father alive (through a telephoto lens).

Welcome to my Private Blog

Until now, this blog has been completely private and only intended to keep track of my process in making the project No Trespassing. As part of the Kickstarter award, I am allowing access to those who donated to the campaign at certain levels. I will open access to more people later this year but you are the first to get a peek! Feel free to post comments or contact me directly with questions/comments and thanks again for your generous contributions to my project!

Also, copies of the special Blurb edition of No Trespassing are available for sale a Blurb.com.

No Trespassing | Make Your Own Book

found ephemera

While visiting my family I went to the land my mother used to live on and recently sold to my best friend from high school. I went inside the double-wide where we lived and it seemed so desperate and trashed. I was really upset my family left it that way for my friend and her husband to deal with. I was so embarrassed. I decided to poke around and see if any of my things had been left behind. I found a bunch of old documentation from my parents' divorce and brought it all back with me. I also found a few things of mine from when I was a kid like a strange curve drawing which I kind of like because of it's simplicity. I also found this strange autobiography from right after my father left us. I vaguely remember writing it and man, is it sad. I'm wondering if any of these things could be relavent to my project or if they might be helpful for my process in making the book.

found photos

I went on a road trip back East to visit my family and I noticed these photos of my father at my sister's house. The one on the right is from 1972 and the one on the left is from some time in the past few years. I guess I had not seen a photograph of my father recently. I remember him much more like the man in the overalls on the right. I think that was when he was in college. The back of the photograph looked like this:

I wonder who the other people are. This was five years before I was born. I took the prints out of the frames and while my sister was at work I scanned them in at Walmart. I worry that I was being too sneaky but I just didn't want to bring my sister into the project so she felt caught between he and I.

film

I was finally able to process some film here. I'm so happy everything came out so well! I love the grain in some of them.

I was so excited by some of the shots I got of him this time! I was able to follow him a lot more carefully and I think I'm getting more patient.

There are all kinds of random shots I took that I ended up really liking. I am so glad I brought my Holga because I got some interesting landscape abstractions. I'm still not sure how they fit in but maybe once I start the book, it'll become clearer...

disguises

After all I've read about private investigating I thought that I'd try wearing wigs as a clever way to disguise myself. I have to say after looking at the photographs I realize now how obviously NOT blond I am. It looks so ridiculous I laugh at myself.

Success!

Back from possibly my most successful trip to my father's yet. I know what I'm after now. I'm telling a story that's much more about me than it is about him. I've recorded lots of audio that I'm still not sure what to do with but through the process of making it I know I am learning more and more about my search. I was so close this time to knocking on the door and introducing myself. I kept fantasizing about it during the long hours in the pitch dark woods. What would he say to me? What would I say to him? I imagined any number of scenarios.

I almost fell off a cliff where the lands drops off to the ocean. God, it is so gorgeous there. I scheduled a tour of a condo for sale right next door to his. I asked if they would lease it for a short time instead of selling and they looked at me like I was out of my mind. They asked me questions about who I was and where I was from which I dodged and made up answers to. I never once had to give my real ID, thank goodness. Then, I started fantasizing about that. How I could live there for a short time and just watch and record and learn. I rummaged through is garbage, photographed his house very close at night, and followed him to the gym. I followed his white truck and waited patiently as he pumped gas and then lost him shortly after he pulled away from the gas station.