Welcome to No Trespassing

My father died in May 2012 and after needing a little time to process that privately I have decided to make this blog available to the public. When my sister called at work to tell me the news I was really surprised. He died in his sleep she told me. I didn't understand what she was telling me at first. I was nine months pregnant and felt like I needed to sit down. Since then, I gave birth to my first baby, a beautiful and healthy baby boy. I have often seen the resemblance to my father in his face and thought about how much I got out of both my father and mother's parenting as a child. I can't help but feel very lucky to have had two functional parents for as long as I did even though my father left us in terrible circumstances. As tempting as it may be, I can not go down the road of reminiscing about my father as if he was a wonderful man. I know to some, his partner, his friends, and perhaps my sisters he was a wonderful person. I have no problem with that but I think I knew him in a very special way - I saw many more sides to him than perhaps I should have liked to. I feel a tormented anger for how he treated us, his family and that might never go away. However, I can also acknowledge the value in those experiences as well as the importance of my earlier days growing up with him there by my side, which my sisters and brother never really got to experience in the way I did. This project is really all I have left of him. I am proud of the work I did to reach out to him in the ways I could but it pains me that I will never get to meet him one more time in person. My sister pointed out that I may very likely have been the last one of my family members to see my father alive (through a telephoto lens).

Welcome to my Private Blog

Until now, this blog has been completely private and only intended to keep track of my process in making the project No Trespassing. As part of the Kickstarter award, I am allowing access to those who donated to the campaign at certain levels. I will open access to more people later this year but you are the first to get a peek! Feel free to post comments or contact me directly with questions/comments and thanks again for your generous contributions to my project!

Also, copies of the special Blurb edition of No Trespassing are available for sale a Blurb.com.

No Trespassing | Make Your Own Book

found ephemera

While visiting my family I went to the land my mother used to live on and recently sold to my best friend from high school. I went inside the double-wide where we lived and it seemed so desperate and trashed. I was really upset my family left it that way for my friend and her husband to deal with. I was so embarrassed. I decided to poke around and see if any of my things had been left behind. I found a bunch of old documentation from my parents' divorce and brought it all back with me. I also found a few things of mine from when I was a kid like a strange curve drawing which I kind of like because of it's simplicity. I also found this strange autobiography from right after my father left us. I vaguely remember writing it and man, is it sad. I'm wondering if any of these things could be relavent to my project or if they might be helpful for my process in making the book.

found photos

I went on a road trip back East to visit my family and I noticed these photos of my father at my sister's house. The one on the right is from 1972 and the one on the left is from some time in the past few years. I guess I had not seen a photograph of my father recently. I remember him much more like the man in the overalls on the right. I think that was when he was in college. The back of the photograph looked like this:

I wonder who the other people are. This was five years before I was born. I took the prints out of the frames and while my sister was at work I scanned them in at Walmart. I worry that I was being too sneaky but I just didn't want to bring my sister into the project so she felt caught between he and I.

film

I was finally able to process some film here. I'm so happy everything came out so well! I love the grain in some of them.

I was so excited by some of the shots I got of him this time! I was able to follow him a lot more carefully and I think I'm getting more patient.

There are all kinds of random shots I took that I ended up really liking. I am so glad I brought my Holga because I got some interesting landscape abstractions. I'm still not sure how they fit in but maybe once I start the book, it'll become clearer...

disguises

After all I've read about private investigating I thought that I'd try wearing wigs as a clever way to disguise myself. I have to say after looking at the photographs I realize now how obviously NOT blond I am. It looks so ridiculous I laugh at myself.

Success!

Back from possibly my most successful trip to my father's yet. I know what I'm after now. I'm telling a story that's much more about me than it is about him. I've recorded lots of audio that I'm still not sure what to do with but through the process of making it I know I am learning more and more about my search. I was so close this time to knocking on the door and introducing myself. I kept fantasizing about it during the long hours in the pitch dark woods. What would he say to me? What would I say to him? I imagined any number of scenarios.

I almost fell off a cliff where the lands drops off to the ocean. God, it is so gorgeous there. I scheduled a tour of a condo for sale right next door to his. I asked if they would lease it for a short time instead of selling and they looked at me like I was out of my mind. They asked me questions about who I was and where I was from which I dodged and made up answers to. I never once had to give my real ID, thank goodness. Then, I started fantasizing about that. How I could live there for a short time and just watch and record and learn. I rummaged through is garbage, photographed his house very close at night, and followed him to the gym. I followed his white truck and waited patiently as he pumped gas and then lost him shortly after he pulled away from the gas station.

I'm getting serious

Film Shots

I got some pretty interesting shots of the balcony at night. It was so scary out there at night in the cold. I stayed out there with my gear and nodded off periodically to where it felt like I was doing nothing. When the light came up I made some interesting abstractions but I have no idea how or even if they fit into this project. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere so much of the time I'm up there but then when I get back here and sort, edit, look something comes clearer to me. I think I'm going to make a book out of this but it may be many more trips before I have something that makes sense to a viewer.

I got some really nice shots on the back from the trip. I think I might try and incorporate some of these landscape shots. Not what I normally tend to shoot but there is something about them that describes my frame of mind for this project. I hope I got some good film shots. It's been so long since I've shot much b&w that I forgot how labor and time intensive it is. I am enjoying the anticipation in a way. If I get some good ones, I'll post them as soon as I process & scan them...

Spring Break

I followed a few of the "missions" and was certain he might see me or recognize me at any moment but I think I got some good stuff. The above image is where I entered the woods on the North East side of his house. It is so gorgeous up there. I crept into the woods and hung here until it got a bit darker. I kept worrying about the car and if anyone would wonder why it was just sitting on the side of the road. I got in pretty close but not many good shots from across the street to the East. I decided the next day to go back to "my spot" across the street on the West side of the street.

Almost called it quits...

I was scared away by my last trip because of how terrified I was when I thought I almost got caught (or so I thought). I can't describe how scared I was. I almost decided to scrap this project all together but then I met this student who gave me the help I needed exactly at the right moment. He put together some "missions" for me to help me gain better access both during the day and at night. He told me that he works as a military contractor mapping missions and that he wanted to help me with my project. He had some pretty excellent advice about strategies but also equipment and staying discreet. I plan to go up there next week and follow this one at least:

Route 1 Danger level 5: Insert here during daylight. Take your camera gear in a purse but leave a case in the car. Display interest in whatever the building contains while doing so eye the perimeter find the least visible potion on the side where the first line it most likely that corner. Enter the forest after checking if there is anyone watching while keeping a casual look as if “meandering”. If you feel people have noticed you go back to your car and put your camera in the camera bag and act as if you are inspired. Also take several pictures before you enter the trees you once you have you will have a short window less than a half hour before people start noticing your absence. Clothing: wear normal clothes but none that are bright for obvious reasons. Make sure you have long clothes on and a light extra layer that you can shed after exiting trees. Secure any long lenses you may need. IMPORTANT: before you enter the parking lot be sure that he is there you have only one opportunity for this route so it is important that he is there. If this scares you to do this while having to inquire you can on a Sunday for example where there will be low volume of inquisitors however this also runs you the risk of standing out.

So, it's still kind of terrifying but I think having the direction will be helpful.

4th of July Pt. 2

I processed the film and even though there aren't a lot of images, the ones I got are incredible! I thought I had been spotted because right after I took these, he came back out with his partner and pointed down into my direction. I got all flustered and scared and instead of taking more photos (like a hard core P.I. would have!) I literally fled the scene barely grabbing my gear and even had to go back to get my notebook! It was very conspicuous. Then, I realized that they were probably pointing at all the construction going on right between my vantage point and their balcony. Sheesh! My heart was pounding, though. After I returned things stayed quiet for most of the rest of the day. Man, what I wouldn't give now for a photo of him pointing at me! Shit. Well, I guess I'll just have to go back up...

4th of July Weekend, Pt. 1

Phew! I just got back from my trip this morning. What a crazy weekend up there. It was pretty packed with tourists but it is such a small town so it's hard to blend in. I still couldn't get my long lens out without drawing attention to myself. It is so obtrusive and hard to conceal. I drove in A LOT of circles and thought for certain people could tell I was spying on someone. I get really paranoid when I'm up there. For good reason, I suppose. I only bring cash and rarely, if ever interact with anyone for any reason. I always get gas before getting there or after leaving. I brought plenty of energy bars with me for food but I did needed coffee for the overnights so I stopped into this tiny coffee shop there. I started to wonder if he ever goes in there because it's right across the street. Then, I discovered this empty house right across from his condo with a circular drive that has part of it hidden fromthe street and a little small brush that I could get into and be concealed. It's the perfect view of his balcony but could not see much inside other than lights going on and going off throughout the evenings. I just crawled up in there the first evening I stayed and stayedput the whole night until very early morning. It was so scary when it was dark. Silent and pitch black. I didn't use a light because I did not want todraw attention to the fact I was hiding in the woods at night. Oh, and I couldn't get cell phone reception so there was no point in trying to use my phone either. I just laid there for a long time checking through the telephoto lens here and there to be sure I wasn't missing something. It was quiet for a long time. I was restless a lot. The sound of snapping branches woke me up at one point out of a half sleep and scared me to death. I was literally shaking because it sounded like something or someone coming up the hill towards me. I tried to adjust my eyes to see better but it was still so pitch dark. Myeye sight is really good but I coud not see one damn thing - not even an outline of the trees around me. Then, I refocused my eyes only to see tiny bright eyes starting at me from all around me. I laid in my position perfectly still for a long long time. I couldn't tell how many there were but maybe half a dozen, if I had to guess. They were all blinking and just starting at me! Then, a few of the pairs of eyes disappear and turn into these flashes of little white stripes where the eyes were. They looked fluffy to me and I could finally see that they were little baby skunks! Knowing that made me even more anxious but I stayed put. What if I was right int heir den or something? What if the mama came back and attacked me?! I remember thinking that this is one of those momentsthat I swear I'll remember for years. I stayed in the same spot for most of the night but peed a few times off in the back near the car. At one pointI tried to venture off near the ocean foot but almost stepped right off a cliff. I won't do that again. I will draw out a map of the layout so you can get a sense of where I was in relation to the highway, my dad's house, and the ocean. I'll post more later once I've gotten some rest and processed the film...

July 4th

I didn't make it up for Father's day but maybe next year if I'm still working on this project. Instead, I am planning to go up for 4th of July weekend. I think it'll be perfect because there will be lots of people up there for the holiday taking photos and being tourists. I hope to be able to blend in a lot easier. I'll borrow a different car this time and drive up. I plan to focus on shooting some of my experiences taking pictures and interacting with the space around him now that I have a better sense of what the lay of the land is, so to speak.

Father's Day

Ok, my plan is to go up for Father's day.

I've always feel slightly sad on that day not knowing where he is or what he's doing. I guess my sisters must call him or send him a card or something? He probably feels sad. I know I would feel sad. In the past, I have felt a strange sense of empathy mixed with disdain. I'll have this internal argument with myself. He was the one who left us. Not only did he leave us, but he left us destitute. We were homeless because he didn't support us the way he should have. So I guess part of me wishes he did feel badly every Father's day. I don't talk to him because he left us and disowned my brother. He adopted him knowing he was going to leave the family he built. I never wanted to not have a father. He left us.

The photos came out!

They came out! In the first photo you see his car in his garage. This was what led me to confirm that it was in fact his house. My sister told me this was the kind of car he had. In the second photo you can see his vague outline in the dark shadowy area of the left side of the photo. This was the creeppiest moment because it felt like he could spot me at any time! I knew how far away I was but since I could see him so closely it felt like all he had to do was look up and he would be able to see me in the woods looking at him.

From the short time I spent up there I discovered that he might be living a somewhat isolated life. He never left his house that I could see. I want to get more shots of him but this may require me to wait outside his house for long chunks of time.

This may sound strange but I think I'm onto something.

I saw him!

I only shot one roll of film this trip up but I actually saw him (and think I got a shot of him!). It felt like a strange dream to be looking through the 300mm lens at him through is window from the woods next to his house. There he was just sitting there going about his life. I will process the film tomorrow and see what I ended up with.

I felt both scared and exhilarated all at once. I could feel my heart racing as I pressed the shutter release. Although the edge of the ocean was gorgeous - I barely thought about my surroundings at all. Being back at home I can see what I need to do next - focus on this process of going out there and get some shots of the surroundings. I think next time I should shoot some digital images as well. I think I'll also make some sound recordings.

I'll post the photos as soon as I process the film.

for real this time

Ok, so I decided to go back up to try to "see" my father again. I need to do some more research. It was actually kind of scary how easy it was to locate his address, map it out, find out about the area where he lives, what his jobs are, etc. I also have to find a place to rent a long lens. I'm not even really sure how long a lens I need. I've also got to either rent a car or borrow one. I guess a Zip car might stand out too much. I feel like a creeper but if it's truly an art project, I have to do this. I feel strangely compelled in a similar way to how I felt that I HAD to photograph Mommy, Allsun and Klare. I needed to understand them. I have to look more into the laws around photographing his house without him knowing. Part of me doesn't actually want to find him.

found it

So, I found his house. I drove up late at night. It's three hours north of where I live. I did take some photos but then my card got erased some how. It was weird. Next time, I'll bring film. I didn't see him but I saw his car was there. I waited for a while until finally it got late and I decided to drive back down the coast. Above is a map I found on Google.